fix: integrated feedback from writing group

chapters/chapter-01.md

@@ -35,9 +35,9 @@ Her vision blurred with her effort not to let the tears roll down her own cheeks
 
 Next to her, riding his black horse, Tsubàyo glanced at her with concern in his gaze. He started to look back but then she hissed at him to stop.
 
-Tsubàyo obeyed and then looked forward. His eyes seemed to soften for a moment and his face relaxed. Slowly, he reached up to scratch his scar; as a child, spilled hot oil had marked him from the top of his brow, along the side of his face, and down to his chest. The scarred flesh frequently drew unwanted attention and Tsubàyo did everything in his power to avoid calling out, but he still touched it while concentrating.
+Tsubàyo obeyed and then looked forward. His eyes seemed to soften for a moment and his face relaxed. Slowly, he reached up to scratch his scar; as a child, spilled hot oil had marked him from the top of his brow, along the side of his face, and down to his chest. The scarred flesh frequently drew unwanted attention and Tsubàyo did everything in his power to avoid calling out attention to his old injury, but he still touched it while concentrating.
 
-She almost let out a bittersweet laugh. He was using his magic to look through the eyes of one of the horses in the herd. She could do the same, but where Tsubàyo could use any horse in his herd, she could only share her senses with her black steed, Datobàpo.
+She barked out a laugh. He was using his magic to look through the eyes of one of the horses in the herd. She could do the same, but where Tsubàyo could use any horse in his herd, she could only share her senses with her black steed, Datobàpo.
 
 "He's still there," Tsubàyo said in a low voice.
 
@@ -45,7 +45,7 @@ She almost let out a bittersweet laugh. He was using his magic to look through t
 
 A faint smile quirked the corner.
 
-Mikáryo rolled her eyes. "Fine, I want to look but I can't use any horse to peek."
+Mikáryo rolled her eyes. "Fine, I want to look but I can't use any horse nearby to peek like you."
 
 "Don't worry, Káryo. I'll tell you when he stops wailing." He used the familiar and her preferred form of address. Outside of the endless scraping and bowing of the cities, she never saw a reason to use her full name.
 
@@ -53,9 +53,9 @@ Mikáryo rolled her eyes. "Fine, I want to look but I can't use any horse to pee
 
 He shrugged. "Explain later though?"
 
-She smiled at him and then nodded. With her thoughts, she had Datobàpo pace closer so she could reach him.
+She smiled at him and then nodded. With her thoughts, she had Datobàpo pace closer so she could reach Tsubàyo.
 
-The horse obeyed her telepathic command, smoothly stepping along the gravel until the two rider's legs brushed against each other. His body moved in perfect harmony with Tsubàyo's mount, Gafihán, as they stepped in time with each other.
+The horse obeyed her telepathic command, smoothly stepping along the gravel until the two riders' legs brushed against each other. His body moved in perfect harmony with Tsubàyo's mount, Gafihán, as they stepped in time with each other.
 
 Mikáryo rested her hand on Tsubàyo's shoulder for a moment. The black tattoo on her hand blended with his dark outfit. She squeezed before the two horses parted.
 
@@ -63,7 +63,7 @@ He briefly smiled at her and then returned to his efforts. Before them, there we
 
 "He's gone."
 
-She turned and peered over her shoulder. She couldn't see any hint of Rutejìmo's presence where he left her though she knew if she went back, there would be blood on the ground and rock scattered away. "Can you follow him?"
+She turned and peered over her shoulder. She couldn't see any hint of Rutejìmo's presence though she knew if she went back, there would be blood on the ground and scattered rocks in the way of his leaving. "Can you follow him?"
 
 Tsubàyo shook his head. "He's moving too fast, I can't catch the horses fast enough to watch."
 
@@ -71,7 +71,7 @@ Disappointed, Mikáryo turned back on her horse and settled down. The sadness st
 
 "Why not bring him along?"
 
-She flinched at the question. "He couldn't travel with us, you know that. He's a banyosiōu now. Without a clan, he couldn't be welcomed at any oasis or shelter." She felt sick saying it and the tears threatened to rise up again.
+She flinched at the question. "He couldn't travel with us. You know that. He's a banyosiōu now. Without a clan, he couldn't be welcomed at any oasis or shelter." She felt sick saying it and the tears threatened to rise up again.
 
 When Tsubàyo said nothing, she peeked up to see him staring at her.
 
@@ -89,7 +89,7 @@ She smiled at him grimly. "Because I think he's on a path we cannot assist with.
 
 Mikáryo chuckled. "Yes."
 
-"Those sun-addled assholes of the Shimusògo." He spat out the name of the clan that he was born into. It was Rutejìmo's clan now just as Tsubàyo was now a member of the Pabinkúe clan.
+"Those sun-addled assholes of the Shimusògo." He spat out the name of the clan that he was born into. It was Rutejìmo's clan now just as Tsubàyo was now a member of the Pabinkúe clan. Well, it would be Rutejìmo's again if he managed to survive a year.
 
 "Trauma does increase the power."
 

chapters/chapter-02.md

@@ -31,11 +31,11 @@ teaser: >
   Mikáryo fights with her regret and guilt for letting Rutejìmo go off on his own, maybe to die before she ever saw him again. But was there anything else she could do? Anything she should have done?
 ---
 
-> Formality in the desert is strict and brutal, the barbarians wouldn't hesitate to beat anyone who addresses a superior without "great" and their full name. --- Trasid Malafun, *Strange Customs of the Sand-Blooded*
+> Formality in the desert is strict and brutal. The barbarians wouldn't hesitate to beat anyone who addresses a superior without "great" and their full name. --- Trasid Malafun, *Strange Customs of the Sand-Blooded*
 
-The light of the fire pushed back the darkness that surrounded Mikáryo. She had set up the camp a few chains away from the rest of the caravan, the merchants and guards were too loud for her tastes and spooked the horses.
+The light of the fire pushed back the darkness that surrounded Mikáryo. She could enjoyed the near daylight brilliance of the merchant clan's bonfires but the horses were spooked by the noise. Both Tsubàyo and her preferred to camp a few chains away from the rest of the caravan, the relative quiet made a far more enjoyable night.
 
-She took a deep breath and breathed in the sweet smell of the burning wood. The sap from the local trees reminded her of home, at least in the way it popped and hissed from inside the fire. She wondered if the locals smoked it or used it as incense like her father did.
+She took a deep breath and inhaled in the sweet smell of the burning wood. The sap from the local trees reminded her of home, at least in the way it popped and hissed in the fire. She wondered if the locals smoked it or used it as incense like her father did.
 
 "Smells like dochīga wood," Tsubàyo said as he set down a platter of food and a large mug of hot tea next to her. He then took a few steps to sit down on his own riding blanket. The sand underneath shifted slightly with his weight.
 
@@ -53,7 +53,7 @@ He picked up his mug and spoke into the steaming liquid while grinning. "Maybe..
 
 "Going for four?"
 
-He shook his head. "Three's enough. Any more and the house will get cramped and I'll start spending more time out here then at home."
+He shook his head. "Three's enough. Any more and the house will get cramped and I'll start spending more time out here than at home."
 
 "You can always leave kids behind you on the sands. Some of those merchants do." She gestured dismissively at the gathering behind them. The others were celebrating something, probably some wind blew or another thinly veiled excuse to drink.
 
@@ -93,7 +93,9 @@ He chuckled and returned to his food.
 
 They finished their meals in relative silence. Tsubàyo gathered up the plates and mugs and took them to the main group to get cleaned.
 
-Alone, Mikáryo returned to staring at the fire. Her thoughts were dark with Rutejìmo. Tsubàyo guessed correctly, the last two nights were more than just mindless passion with the Shimusògo courier she had met a decade ago. She felt drawn to the whimpering young man, the desire to protect him coloring every conversation she had with him.
+Alone, Mikáryo returned to staring at the fire. Her thoughts were dark with Rutejìmo. Tsubàyo had guessed correctly, the last two nights with him had been more than just mindless passion. She felt drawn to the whimpering young man, the desire to protect him coloring every conversation she had with him.
+
+That was one mark of the kojinōmi, speakers for the desert. Whenever one of the Pabinkúe was in danger, she felt a calling to rush to help. With Rutejìmo, she heard the same call though it was quieter and less pressing.
 
 She knew that being banished from his clan was just the first step for something more. The desert had plans for Rutejìmo, ones that would hurt him in ways that no human fist could match. She wanted to rush after him, to shield him from the pain and agony he was about to suffer.
 
@@ -123,12 +125,12 @@ When she returned, he held the flap open to her tent.
 
 Murmuring thanks, she crawled in and stripped down to her underwear. The wires in her armored cloth resisted folding, but she coiled it into a roll of black fabric that would double as a pillow for later.
 
-When she turned around, Tsubàyo had removed all of his clothes. The scars marked his flesh down to the peak of his hip, bisecting his body with the darker slash of hardened skin. Kneeling next to her, he helped her pull the black cloth from her breasts before sliding his arm around her bare waist. Their black tattoos rubbed together, the images of horses that covered both of their bodies looked like a herd racing around chaotically.
+When she turned around, Tsubàyo had removed all of his clothes. The scars marked his flesh down to the peak of his hip, bisecting his body with the darker slash of hardened skin. Kneeling next to her, he helped her pull the black cloth from her breasts before sliding his arm around her bare waist. Their black tattoos rubbed together and the images of horses that covered both of their bodies looked like a herd.
 
 He was hot against her body, a warmth that pushed back the cold of night and the darkness that haunted in her thoughts.
 
 She sniffed and reached up to cup the side of his face, her fingers resting against his scars. "Thank you, Bàyo."
 
-"What are friends for, Great Pabinkue---"
+"What are friends for, Great Pabinkue---?"
 
 She silenced him with a kiss.

chapters/chapter-03.md

@@ -34,7 +34,7 @@ Days later, the question Mikáryo expected finally came.
 
 "What is Rutejìmo going through?"
 
-She reached up and pulled the black fabric covering her face to breath in the hot daylight air. It seared her lungs and prickled her lips.
+She reached up and pulled the black fabric from her face to take a deep breath. It seared her lungs and prickled her lips.
 
 Next to her, Tsubàyo rode his horse with one hand resting on the back of his mount's neck and the other hefting his water skin. The Pabinkúe didn't need reins or saddles to ride, not with their minds connected with their creatures.
 
@@ -60,7 +60,7 @@ She shrugged and then nodded. "The passage is more than just stress, it's a judg
 
 "And that other girl."
 
-"Chi..." He frowned. "I don't remember her name anymore. She was a bird follower if there was one."
+"Chi..." He frowned. "I don't remember her name anymore. She was a bird chaser if there was one."
 
 "Of course. Shimusògo had already picked her by the time I found you." She pointed accusingly at him. She had stumbled into Tsubàyo's rite of passage when she chased after the man who killed her sister while stealing a horse. The horse thief ended up being Tsubàyo but Mikáryo had to shove aside the pain when it became apparent that her clan spirit had chosen the sister's murderer. The loss had faded over the years, the wound scabbed over by the companionship Tsubàyo had given her.
 
@@ -108,7 +108,7 @@ Ahead of them, the merchants began to yell.
 
 His face darkening with a blush, Tsubàyo concentrated for a moment and the herd began to strain against their ropes again. A minute later, the mechanical device continued along its route.
 
-Kojinōmi. In a society that refused to name the dead to avoid drawing the attention of the desert mother, they were the men and women who willingly carried to bodies to the funeral pyres. They risked proximity to death herself to make sure the dead passed on with dignity, honor, and grace.
+Kojinōmi. In a society that refused to name the dead to avoid drawing the attention of the desert mother, they were the men and women who willingly carried bodies to the funeral pyres. They risked proximity to death herself to make sure the dead passed on with dignity, honor, and grace.
 
 Mikáryo choked back a sob.
 
@@ -136,7 +136,7 @@ Tsubàyo grinned.
 
 "You, sun-stroked, rancid chunk of horse shit, you guessed!? You guessed?"
 
-"Yes and no. It's pretty obvious how you were so instantly affection toward him. But you know our kojinōmi? She won't touch a follower of sunlight. And that old bastard we met a year ago? He wouldn't touch us because we were of the night. Kojinōmi don't care for the dead on the other side. Sun and moon, that divide always remains."
+"Yes and no. It's pretty obvious with the way you were instantly affectionate toward him. But you know our kojinōmi. She won't tend a follower of sunlight. Not in a hundred years. And that old bastard we met a year ago? He wouldn't touch us because we were of the night. Kojinōmi don't care for the dead on the other side. Sun and moon, that divide always remains."
 
 "So, what does that matter?"
 
@@ -148,4 +148,4 @@ She mulled over his thoughts. "How can you be sure?"
 
 "I know others that failed. These moments of a new life are deadly and this time, he's playing with death herself."
 
-"A child died during my rite of passage too. But most of us survived. Trauma bring powers. If someone is going to get traumatized, it would be Great Shimusogo Rutejìmo."
+"A child died during my rite of passage too. But most of us survived. Trauma brings power. If someone is going to get traumatized, it would be Great Shimusogo Rutejìmo."

chapters/chapter-04.md

@@ -32,13 +32,13 @@ teaser: >
 
 > The sun and moon war endlessly in their courtship over the great desert. Their children and their children's children are their pawns in the endless war. --- Rechyokoni Asamōno
 
-Mikáryo slumped back with a content sigh. The sweat that clung to her skin caught her hair, plastering the curls against her face and nose. She ignored it and enjoyed the fading glow of her orgasm instead.
+Mikáryo slumped back with a contented sigh. The sweat that clung to her skin caught her hair, plastering the curls against her face and nose. She ignored it and enjoyed the fading glow of her orgasm instead.
 
 Her lover, Ridáchi, crawled up her body, her nipples tracing along Mikáryo's tattoos, before she settled into place with her cheek on Mikáryo's breast. She had long black hair with a little curl to it. The strands clung to the sweat on both of their bodies.
 
 Ridáchi looked up at Mikáryo and smiled brightly. "I love it when you come home, you know that? I miss... just listening to your heart beat."
 
-Mikáryo reached down and ran her hands along her lover's shoulder. Ridáchi's dark skin matched Mikáryo's tattoos, black horses that raced over almost her entire body except for a bare spot of brown skin shaped like a horse's head centered on both her abdomen and back.
+Mikáryo reached down and ran her hands along her lover's shoulder. Ridáchi's dark skin matched Mikáryo's tattoos, black horses that raced over almost her entire body except for bare spots of brown skin shaped like a horse's head centered on both her abdomen and back.
 
 Ridáchi reached out and ran her fingertips along Mikáryo's tattoos, tracing the various horses until she got to one of the older ones. She outlined the horse's mane. "I love your horses. Is this one Mìna?"
 
@@ -86,11 +86,11 @@ Mikáryo's heart skipped a beat. Her lungs refused to inhale for a moment and he
 
 Ridáchi continued, "It was one of the nastier battles I've seen: blood and shit everywhere, bodies ripped apart, even children dead. Some hot-headed clan took offense and invaded a village for slaughter. The other responded, allies were brought in. Warriors died, innocent died. Three kojinōmi were called, he was the last."
 
-She pulled on her clothes while she talked, her voice growing quieter with every piece of white she pulled on. Then she came up to the last piece, a plain rope belt. "Usually when a bright kojinōmi shows up, they piss on our corpses respecting theirs. I don't shit on theirs but... I don't really take an effort. So a bright and I were pulling apart bodies for our pyres when this man comes rushing it really fast, faster than anyone could run, and starts to help."
+She pulled on her clothes while she talked, her voice growing quieter with every piece of white she pulled on. Then she came up to the last piece, a plain rope belt. "Usually when a bright kojinōmi shows up, they piss on our corpses while respecting their own. I don't shit on theirs but... I don't really take an effort. So a bright and I were pulling apart bodies for our pyres when this man comes rushing it really fast, faster than anyone could run, and starts to help."
 
 A tear rolled down Mikáryo's cheek. She was talking about Rutejìmo, it had to be him.
 
-"He's a sun from the bright flames so I figured there would be pissing. None of us really fight when being a kojinōmi, but you'd be amazed how much of an ass we can be while silent. But, to my surprise, he didn't walk past me but started to help. He didn't care who it was, only that it got to the right pyre. He even knew the prayers of Chobìre when he helped me."
+"He's a sun from the bright flames so I figured there would be pissing. None of us really fight when being a kojinōmi, but you'd be amazed how much of an ass we can be while silent. But, to my surprise, he didn't walk past me but started to help. He didn't care who it was, only that it got to the right pyre. He even knew the prayers of Chobìre when he helped me. I saw his lips, he knew the words."
 
 She chuckled to herself, her shoulders shaking. "I have never seen one who truly gave himself to the desert. He just hauled bodies to the right places. Said the right things. Moon and sun, night and day."
 
@@ -108,6 +108,6 @@ Her lover's mouth opened more. "I have never heard you call anyone great in---"
 
 The wind rattled the tent hard. The force almost picked up the corner.
 
-Ridáchi jumped and looked out with a guilty look. She grabbed her belt and prepared to cinch it. Mikáryo knew that as soon as the last piece went on, she would stop talking until the dead were sent on their way. "I have to go. After this, please?"
+Ridáchi jumped and looked out with a guilty look. She finished putting her belt on but stopped at the last cinch. Mikáryo knew that as soon as the last piece went on, she would stop talking until the dead were sent on their way. "I have to go. After this, please?"
 
 Mikáryo couldn't speak without sobbing. She managed to make it until Ridáchi left before she broke down in tears.

chapters/chapter-05.md

@@ -61,7 +61,7 @@ Mikáryo followed after him into the larger tent. Most of the space had been fil
 
 "Come, sit, get comfortable. Take off anything you want." He winked. "I always love to see you naked."
 
-Comfortable with Kichìko's attention, Mikáryo stripped. She didn't need to, but he had seen every inch of her body since he had been ten. She was his first tattoo, a horse that wasn't quite perfect on her right shin. It ended up being idea for the memory though, since the foal had died due to a twisted body in his mother's womb.
+Comfortable with Kichìko's attention, Mikáryo stripped. She didn't need to, but he had seen every inch of her body since he had been ten. She was his first tattoo, a horse that wasn't quite perfect on her right shin. It ended up being ideal for the memory though, since the foal had died due to a twisted body in his mother's womb.
 
 "A work of art."
 
@@ -73,9 +73,9 @@ She looked over her shoulder at him and smiled. "My body or your tattoos?"
 
 A pair of sticks slipped from his fingers. "A human man?"
 
-"Yes, Chìko. Is that a problem?" She had been thinking about the tattoo for a few months.
+"Yes, Chìko. Is that a problem?" She had been thinking about the tattoo for a few months. It was different than anything else on her skin but one she needed.
 
-"I wasn't aware of Káryo was capable of respecting a human as much as one of her horses. I'm just surprised. Here, I need clean sticks for this." He glanced around and picked up fresh supplies before bringing them over to her.
+"I wasn't aware Káryo was capable of respecting a human as much as one of her horses. I'm just surprised. Here, I need clean sticks for this." He glanced around and picked up fresh supplies before bringing them over to her.
 
 "This human man, does he have a name?"
 
@@ -87,9 +87,9 @@ She realized she had tensed all of her muscles. She took a deep breath and leane
 
 Kichìko wiped the area and picked up his tattooing stick. She wasn't sure how it worked but she knew it had countless tiny needles at the tip that would insert the ink underneath her skin.
 
-He didn't bother with an outline or sketch out the pattern. He knew always seemed to know what she wanted, it was part of his clan's powers. He started quickly, tapping the stick into her skin with precise strokes.
+He didn't bother with an outline or sketch out the pattern. He always seemed to know what she wanted, it was part of his clan's powers. He started quickly, tapping the stick into her skin with precise strokes.
 
-Mikáryo winced at the discomfort but then quickly sank into it. The pain helped remind her of the good memories she had of him. A few tears gathered when she recalled the feeling the night she learned he had survived to become a kojinōmi.
+Mikáryo winced at the discomfort but then sank into it. The pain helped remind her of the good memories she had of Rutejìmo. A few tears gathered when she recalled the feeling the night she learned he had survived to become a kojinōmi.
 
 "Not many have the name Rutejìmo in these parts. It's from the northwestern area of the desert, far from here."
 
@@ -113,7 +113,7 @@ Kichìko worked quietly, moving his body along her body as with his effort to sh
 
 He worked for almost an hour before she realized he had said something important. "You've seen him lately?"
 
-"Of course, more than once."
+"Of course, more than once. A repeat customer, actually."
 
 "Where? What?"