fix: integrating feedback from writing group

chapters/chapter-01.md

@@ -9,17 +9,17 @@ teaser: >
 
 > For eight generations, the Sterlig Family crafted some of the most treasured string instruments throughout Kormar. --- *History of Traditional Music*
 
-Linsan bounced on the couch. With a flip of her green skirt, she did a somersault along the cushions before flopping again opposite arm. The couch creaked from the impact but she didn't care. With a grin, she pushed herself over the edge until her head dangled over the blue and white patterned rub glow.
+Linsan bounced on her family's new couch. With a flip of her green skirt, she did a somersault along the cushions before flopping again opposite arm. The couch creaked from the impact but she didn't care. With a grin, she pushed herself over the edge until her head dangled over the blue-and-white patterned rug below.
 
 In her mind's eye, she saw white snakes crawling around the blue waters and slowly reached out to catch one of them before it escape.
 
-Her fingers bumped against the short hairs of the rug. Stretching further along the arm of the couch, she tried to grab another.
+Her fingers bumped against the short hairs of the rug. Stretching further along the arm of the couch, she tried to grab more.
 
 "Are you still alive over there?"
 
-She peeked up past the back of the couch and into her father's brightly-lit work room. He sat at his customary chair behind a heavy wooden table while peering down at the dissembled parts of his latest work. His glasses shone from the top of his head; he always put them up to his forehead whenever he worked on small details.
+She peeked up past the back of the couch and into her father's brightly lit workroom. He sat at his customary chair behind a heavy wooden table while peering down at the disassembled parts of his latest work. His lenses reflected the light from the chandelier above him; he always put his glasses up to his forehead whenever he worked on small details.
 
-Linsan took a deep breath, taking in the smells of sawdust and stain. It was a comforting smell, like the flowers in her mother's pillows and the little bottle of perfume her parents saved for special occasions.
+Linsan took a deep breath, taking in the smells of sawdust and stain. It was a comforting scent, like the flowers inside her mother's pillows and the little bottle of perfume her parents saved for special occasions.
 
 "Did you die?" he asked.
 
@@ -27,11 +27,11 @@ She giggled. "No! I'm right here!"
 
 "You weren't crashing around. I wasn't sure."
 
-She rolled her eyes and rolled up the arm of the couch and over the back until she was bent over it. One bare foot toyed with the edge of the couch cushion as she watched her father pull out one of his delicate carving tools and held it over the wooden board on the table.
+She rolled her body up the arm of the couch and over the back until she was bent over it. One bare foot toyed with the edge of the couch cushion as she watched her father pull out one of his delicate carving tools and hold it over the wooden board on the table.
 
 Lifting her other foot, she waved it. "See? I'm not dead!"
 
-"Oh, good, I was worried there for a moment," he said with a smile. His eyes never left the wood as he carved out a little curl of red. His fingers flexed for a moment before he carved out another curl to match the other. Each one was smaller than the ridge of her fingernail.
+"Oh, good, I was worried there for a moment," he said with a smile. His eyes never left the wood as he carved out a little curl of red. His fingers flexed for a moment before he cut another curl to match the other. Each one was smaller than the ridge of her fingernail.
 
 He paused for a moment before he wiped the side of his cheek. Sawdust clung to his beard but quickly disappeared among the auburn and gray hairs.
 
@@ -49,11 +49,11 @@ His smile grew broader. "Because she found someone wonderful."
 
 She grinned. "Why?"
 
-"Because if I don't finish this, I'm going to have to eat you instead."
+"Because if I don't finish this, I'm going to have to eat you instead. I heard five year old girls are delicious."
 
 Rolling over, she shook her head. "No, you aren't going to eat me! Mommy would yell at you. And then you'll get spanked."
 
-Her father had to lift his carving tool as he snorted with amusement. The tip glinted in the lights as it quivered.
+Her father had to lift his carving tool as he snorted with amusement. The tip glinted in the lights.
 
 From behind her, her mother spoke up. "Why am I yelling at Daddy?"
 
@@ -63,13 +63,13 @@ She launched herself off the couch, her bare feet hitting the rug before she rem
 
 Her mother dropped the cloth bags in her hand and caught her. Groceries poured out across the floor.
 
-Linsan pressed her cheek against her mother's. The scent of her mother's perfume surrounded her in a cloud, she must have picked up food on the way from her latest show. She turned and pointed to an apple in the middle of the rug. "There are snakes in the rug," she whispered dramatically.
+Linsan pressed her cheek against her mother's. The scent of her mother's perfume surrounded her in a cloud. She must have picked up food on the way from her latest show. She turned and pointed to an patterns near the middle of the rug. "There are snakes in the rug," she whispered dramatically.
 
 "Oh no, did Daddy get rid of them?"
 
-"He's working in Palisis."
+"He's working on Palisis."
 
-Her mother frowned as she knelt down. "Palisis? Who's that?" Her head looked up as her loose curls roll off her shoulder. "Who is Palisis?"
+Her mother frowned as she knelt down. "Palisis? Who's that?" Her head looked up as her loose curls rolled off her shoulder. "Who is Palisis?"
 
 From the other room, her father grunted.
 
@@ -79,7 +79,7 @@ There was a brief silence.
 
 "That's a pretty good name, I like it. Marin will love it."
 
-"Who is Marin?"
+"Who is Marin?" asked Linsan.
 
 "Marin was daddy's first wife. That's who the violin is for. She's getting married to mommy's best friend from when she was a little girl."
 
@@ -89,9 +89,9 @@ Linsan bounced, her smile growing broader. Her auburn hair fluttered everywhere
 
 Another kiss. "That's right! Snakes can't bite us if we're dancing." She stood up and took Linsan's hands to pull her into a lively jig to music that no one could hear.
 
-Before long, they were spinning around the living room. Linsan loved when her mother lifted her hand because that meant she got to twirl around rapidly. The sweeping arm movements told her she was along to spin away knowing her mother would pull her back. She loved each time she could kick off the ground and skim the couch with her toes before being pulled back into her mother's embrace.
+Before long, they were spinning in the living room. Linsan loved when her mother lifted her hand because that meant she got to twirl rapidly. The sweeping arm movements told her she was allowed to spin away knowing her mother would pull her back. She loved each time she could kick off the ground and skim the couch with her toes before being pulled back into her mother's embrace.
 
-There was the brief hum of a fiddle and then a cherry tune filled the room. In the middle of a twirl, Linsan peered over the couch to see that her father had abandoned his work and picked up Katsaril, an old fiddle Linsan had named when she was three.
+There was the brief hum of a fiddle and then a cheery tune filled the room. In the middle of a twirl, Linsan peered over the couch to see that her father had abandoned his work and picked up Katsaril, an old fiddle Linsan had named when she was three.
 
 With the music no longer imaginary and the snakes forgotten, Linsan danced happily in the living room with her parents.
 

chapters/chapter-02.md

@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
 ---
 title: Early Lessons
-age: 9 (or 6)
+age: 9 years
 summary: >
   Years later, Linsan is learning how to play the violin from her father. The lesson is interrupted when Dukan, her father's best friend and manager for the business, visits in a panic to tell him that the family's workshop in the valley is on fire.
 teaser: >
@@ -9,15 +9,21 @@ teaser: >
 
 > Much of the the Sterlig fame comes from the distinctive wood harvested from the family-owned valley near the city of Penesol. --- *History of Traditional Music*
 
+**Show passage of time?**
+
 Linsan sat on her father's work chair in the center of the living room. Her bare feet dug into the faded blue rug as she struggled to sit with her back straight. She took a deep breath and worked the rest of her violin back under her chin.
 
-"Now, hold it out to the side like this," her father said. He sat on their worn couch with one of his own violins under his chin. His arm held out at a comfortable angle, elbow bent and the neck of the instrument as solid as the ground beneath her feet.
+"Now, hold it out to the side like this," her father said. He sat on their worn couch with one of his own violins under his chin. His arm held out at a comfortable angle, elbow bent and the neck of the instrument as solid as the ground beneath their feet.
 
-Her arm shook with the effort to keep her violin's neck up. Despite watching her father play instruments her entire life, she didn't realize how hard it was to keep everything together at the same time to play even a single note. She envied how comfortable he looked perched up on the couch.
+After four years, the couch was threadbare and worn. She still remembered how springy it was when they had first gotten it. But years of abuse left it flattened and barely comfortable.
+
+"Pay attention just a little longer. Hold it like this."
+
+She concentrated on her position. Her arm shook with the effort to keep her violin's neck up. Despite watching her father play instruments her entire life, she didn't realize how hard it was to keep everything together at the same time to play even a single note. She envied how comfortable he looked perched up on the couch.
 
 "Don't focus too much on me. Just look at my bow. Bring it up to the violin like I'm doing and rest it right on the strings."
 
-The bow quivered as she tried to move it gracefully like her father. The hairs bounced against the tight strings of her violin. She managed to stop it from jumping, but when she accidentally drew the bow down, she was surrounding by the jarring screech.
+The bow quivered as she tried to move it gracefully like her father. The hairs bounced against the tight strings. She managed to stop it from jumping, but when she accidentally drew the bow down, she was surrounded by the jarring screech.
 
 Linsan cringed and yanked the two apart. Tears blurred her vision. "I can't get it!" she wailed.
 
@@ -25,39 +31,59 @@ Linsan cringed and yanked the two apart. Tears blurred her vision. "I can't get
 
 "You don't!" She struggled to keep her tears from falling.
 
-"Well, Honey, I've been playing for thirty-seven years. You've been trying this for only an hour. Of course I'm going to make less mistakes. You'll get better, but we all have to make the sour notes first. It's required."
+"Well, Honey, I've been playing for thirty-seven years. You've been trying this for only an hour. Of course I'm going to make fewer mistakes. You'll get better, but we all have to make the sour notes first. It's required."
 
-"Mommy is going to be here in three days. I'll never get it."
+"Mommy is going to be here in three days. I'll never be able to play this in time."
 
-He slid off the couch and onto his knees. Crawling over, he straightened. He was a few inches taller than her, even with her sitting in the chair. "Listen. My brother used to say that I woke the dead when I was learning how to play the fiddle. It was his joke that everyone knew it was noon because they could hear me clear at Oak Street."
+He slid off the couch and onto his knees. Even then, he was only a few inches shorter than her. Crawling over, he leaned against the chair to straighten his posture. "Listen. I know you have never wanted to play the violin before."
+
+"She will love it, right?" It was her idea as a present when her mother came home. Though, at the time, she was convinced it would only take minutes to gain her father's mastery.
+
+He hugged her firmly. "And I'm so proud of you thinking about it. But a nine-year-old girl isn't going to pick this up in minutes. It takes time."
+
+"What if I make a mistake?"
+
+"Your mother will never hear it."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Because she is going to be so happy just to hear you play. Besides, I was terrible when I started. My brother used to say that I woke the dead when I was learning how to play the fiddle. It was his joke that everyone knew it was noon because they could hear me clear at Oak Street."
 
 She sniffed and struggled to grin. "That's like a mile away."
 
-"Three blocks, but close enough. I just never taught...." His voice trailed off. "You know what? Why don't we think about it like dancing. You can pick up your mother's moves in only a few short hours."
+"Three blocks and you know that. You walk further than that to visit your friends every week. I just never taught you...." His voice trailed off. "You know what? Why don't we think about it like dancing. You can pick up your mother's moves in only a few short hours."
 
 "Those are easy."
 
-"Yes because you've been bouncing, rolling, and twirling in this house since you were four years old and I was carving Palisis."
+"Yes because you've been bouncing, rolling, and twirling in this house since you were five years old and I was carving Palisis."
 
-Palisis. She remembered when her father's assistant, Dukan, had come to the house to package the violin to be shipped out. There was so much silk and velvet while he crafted a custom box for the violin. She still had a ribbon of the deep purple material in her bedroom.
+"That was only four years ago."
+
+"Feels like forever."
+
+Palisis. She remembered when her father's assistant, Dukan, had come to the house to package the violin to be shipped out. There was so much silk and velvet while he crafted a custom box for the violin that he made her a small bear with the scraps. She still had a ribbon of the deep purple material in her bedroom and the bear on a shelf.
 
 She looked up to see the sad look in her father's eyes. Something had happened and the violin came back a few years later. Her father had put it up in the attic and never said another word. "Daddy?"
 
 He looked up and shook his head. "No, let's try this. Learning to play is just like learning a new dance. You start with just one movement, a foot tap."
 
-Her father reached up and wrapped his fingers gently around hers. With a firm grip, he adjusted her grip on her bow and brought the neck to a slightly different angle. When he set the bow down on the strings, there wasn't even a hint of noise.
+"What about my left hand?"
+
+"Just hold the neck for now. I'll show you fingering later."
+
+Her father reached up and wrapped his fingers gently around hers. With a firm hand, he adjusted her grip on her bow and brought the neck to a slightly different angle. When he set the bow down on the strings, there wasn't even a hint of noise.
 
 He smiled and drew the bow down. The tone was strong but slightly off. He adjusted and tried again, pulling the bow across and creating a single clear note. "That foot tap is like playing one note. We start by getting good at that one."
 
-With his help, she drew the hairs of the bow along the strings. There was screeching but he helped her find the right place to put her fingers and the tension needed in her hand. "Just one note. One step."
+With his help, she drew the hairs of the bow along the strings. There was screeching but he helped her find the right speed and the tension needed in her hand. "Just keep playing, one note then another. One more."
 
-While concentrating, she tapped her foot in time with the tone. The feel of the rug on her bare toes helped her focus as she drew the bow back and forth until her fingers burned by the tones were clear.
+While concentrating, she tapped her foot in time with the tone. The feel of the rug on her bare toes helped her focus as she drew the bow back and forth until her fingers burned but the tones were clear.
 
 Her father kissed her cheek. "There you go! Now, ready for the next step."
 
 Linsan pictured the last dance her mother taught her, the one she was no doubt using right at that moment for tonight's performance. "When I slide my foot to the right and step forward."
 
-"I guess. While playing, the next one is this note." He played a second it. "So, try it again. Back and forth, moving in steady strokes."
+"I guess. While playing, the next step is this note." He played the two notes repeatedly. "So, try it again. Back and forth, moving in steady strokes."
 
 Furrowing her brow in concentration, she struggled to find the right way of getting her body to listen. Her father's guidance made it easier. Frustrated, she used her bare foot to mimic the maneuver, working her toes along the carpet. Together, she found the right balance of music and movement.
 
@@ -75,7 +101,7 @@ His smile almost lit up the room. It caused the wrinkles around his eyes to crin
 
 "Mommy hates this song."
 
-"Well, it is rude and you were singing it quite loudly in the middle of church. The pastor's face matched your mother's." He gave her a playful wink. "But, I bet you can tell what the next note is going to be."
+"Well, it is rude and you were singing it quite loudly in the middle of church. The pastor's scowl matched your mother's." He gave her a playful wink. "But, I bet you can tell what the next note is going to be."
 
 "Yeah," Linsan said with a giggle. She played the first eight notes and followed by the next one. To her surprise and relief, there wasn't a single screech.
 
@@ -131,9 +157,9 @@ Sian turned and knelt down in front of his daughter. "Get your shoes on. Somethi
 
 She looked down at her nightgown.
 
-"Grab your bathroom. I'm sorry, but this is important and I don't have a lot of time. Please? For me? Don't ask questions, just do it."
+"Grab your bathrobe. I'm sorry, but this is important and I don't have a lot of time. Please? For me? Don't ask questions, just do it."
 
-Five minutes later, she was sitting in the saddle of a spirited horse and cradled by her father's arms and legs. She clutched the pommel with one hand and the reins with the other.
+Minutes later, she was sitting in the saddle of a spirited horse and cradled by her father's arms and legs. She clutched the pommel with one hand and her father's thigh with the other.
 
 Her father held his arm over her chest to hold her in place as they raced through the dark. The only light was a lantern that Dukan held up to lit the way.
 
@@ -153,9 +179,9 @@ He didn't answer.
 
 They came up to the familiar ridge that marked the border of their family lands. The bright oranges lit up the dark, billowing clouds that rose up over the burning trees.
 
-Sian reared his horse hard.
+Sian yanked on the reins.
 
-The equine kicked up.
+The equine reared.
 
 Linsan let out a cry as she felt dizzy. Her hands tightened on the pommel and reins until her knuckles turned white.
 
@@ -163,15 +189,15 @@ Her father sobbed as he released the reins. "No, by the Couple, no. Not that."
 
 She peered over the horse's head.
 
-The workshop was engulfed in flames. A rainbow of colors burst out of the two story structure. Jets blew out of the windows, spraying color and heat in all directions.
+The workshop was engulfed in fire. A rainbow of colors burst out of the two-story structure. Jets of flames blew out of the windows, spraying color and heat in all directions.
 
-Behind the workshop, the forest also burned. Ancient trees popped and hissed as the flames danced among the shriveled branches and burning leaves. Waves of heat, even from hundreds of feet away, beat against her face.
+Behind the workshop, the private forest her family owned burned. Ancient trees popped and hissed as the flames danced among the shriveled branches and burning leaves. Waves of heat, even from hundreds of feet away, beat against her face.
 
-"Where is the Father-damned fire brigade!" screamed her father.
+"Where is the Couple-damned fire brigade!" screamed her father. "The entire valley is on fire!"
 
-Dukan started to get off his horse. He looked around in shock. "I-I don't know. I summoned them before I came for you. The should be here."
+Dukan started to get off his horse. He looked around in shock. "I-I don't know. I summoned them before I came for you. They should be here."
 
-"Well, they aren't! That's my life there!" Tears glinted on her father's eyes as he gestured angrily at the burning workshop. "My family is burning and there isn't anyone here!"
+"Well, they aren't! This is my life!" Tears glinted in her father's eyes as he gestured angrily at the burning workshop. "My family is burning and there isn't anyone here!"
 
 "I'll get them!" Dukan slipped back into place and spun his horse around. "I'll find out what happened."
 
@@ -181,15 +207,15 @@ Sian half-slid, half-fell from his horse. His arms were tight on Linsan, guiding
 
 The right side of the workshop collapsed.
 
-"No," he screamed in a voice that felt like the heavens should have split open and cried. It was a sound she had never her father make before, didn't even know a human voice was capable of making.
+"No," he screamed in a voice that felt like the heavens should have split open and cried. It was a sound she had never her father make before and it terrified her.
 
 He staggered forward.
 
 Linsan saw that he was going into the workshop. He was going to leave her alone in the heat of the fire. "Daddy!"
 
-Sian turned, his face sparkling with tears. "Just stay there, Honey. I have to..." He turned and let out a sob. "My life is in there."
+Sian turned, his face sparkling with tears. "Just stay there, Honey. I have to..." He turned and let out a sob. "My life is in there. My grandparents planted those trees, my father build that shop."
 
-"I'm scared."
+"Daddy, I'm scared."
 
 He took another step then stopped. His boots crunched on the rocks underneath him.